Insidious

"...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger 

those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. 

And you will know my name is the Lord 

when I lay my vengeance upon thee, " 

--Ezekiel 25:17, "Jules," Pulp Fiction

You worked hard. You performed well. You were never late. You volunteered. You did the dirty work behind the scenes. You were prepared. You always exercised due diligence. You socialized. You promoted colleagues and their missions. 

You were a nice person if not the most extroverted. You did everything in your power , but fundamentally you did not belong. And when you tried to talk about feeling ostracized, you were met with “What's wrong this time?”

You started suffering health problems and chronic anxiety. You kept thinking though if you could just prove yourself, everything would be fine. It was just a matter of time until you were applauded and recognized for effort, honesty, and loyalty if nothing else. You would be one of them-almost. So you persisted.

But things only got worse. Your overall health continued to deteriorate. Your absences started to increase. You were conscientious, giving at least some advanced notice. Yet still you were considered sensitive, emotional, difficult, and even angry. It was as if you were being given an ultimatum to shut-up or leave.

Perhaps things would be better somewhere else? But they were omnipresent. The toxicity was pervasive and insidious. It was impossible to escape. Even then, where would you go: this was your home?

You finally realized nothing would change. Feeling like a failure, you resigned yourself to giving up-almost. You wanted to be accepted without changing who you were. Acceptance came at a price that you were not willing to pay.

Fear of retaliation and further isolation kept most of us compliant. After all, being part of an abusive relationship was better than being alone. We seemed to be hated for our very existence, having different opinions, values, perspectives, and experiences.

Then again perhaps it wasn't hate at all: it was more that they felt superior and therefore entitled. So you began experiencing hatred in response to the way they treated you—the way they marginalized, patronized, oppressed, exploited, and demeaned those of us deemed less. We didn't seem to matter. We were disposable.  We were invisible and colorless.

As Martin Luther King, Jr., once said, "Hate begets more hate," after all. Words have subtexts, definitions cannot adequately convey. Context is everything.